What I was certain of was that I'd be uncomfortable. What I wasn't certain of was what I would see. I expected a lot of creepy facepaint, ICP/Kottonmouth Kings/Twiztid shirts. Hatchetmen as far as the eye could see. Kind of went into it with a dickish, judging mentality. Admittedly so.
The reason I went WAS all the uncertainty. My in was that my friends' band was playing there.
I figured if any crowd of folks could handle my MS Paint created self made iron on SKULL FUCKER shirt it would have to be a bunch of wicked clowns, so I dressed accordingly.
On arrival we were carded at the door which was already a bit weird. Some loud hip hop was blaring from the basement. So I went down there and a guy I can only say perfectly fits the description of Lil Kev from the episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia "Dee is Dating a Retarded Person" is tearing shit up. He's wearing a lime green jersey of a sort, football if my memory serves me, and a backwards visor. Dead ringer for Lil Kev.
Mere minutes passed when I decided I wanted to hit up the wop that was promised...and they fucking delivered. Grab a cup, start boozing. I didn't drive so I figured to booze hard.
At one point when I took my hoodie off an acquaintance said I may wanna be careful with my T-shirt, displaying a guy shoving his cartoon dick into the eye socket of a skull in his hands--there was a girl with one eye at the party. My first thought was that he was fucking with me and my second thought was...even if there IS a fucking one eyed girl the odds of her having lost her eye in a dick related incident had to be extremely low. When I went upstairs to see if the pizza also promised in the event description was there I not only saw the girl with one eye, I saw that there was no pizza. Bummer, I guess. One eyed chick. Righteous.
So we spent the night parting with these folks who were all pretty rad. A guy with a cleaver hanging on his chain wallet may have been the weirdest thing about these folks besides one eyed girl. In any event the show went off without a hitch. A few of us sat behind the bar reaching into a giant box of gumballs there to fill the many gumball machines the host had in his basement, throwing them over the drummer's head into the middle of the room. As they fell to the floor they'd roll until they were crushed or hit something.
By nights end the wop was gone and I was plowed but it wasn't enough. Filling a cup with fruit from the wop jug I went to down on really boozy, not so tasty fruit.
The show promised much female nudity. While it was largely a sausage fest, something the event description explicitly stated was unfavorable, it did actually deliver female nudity. My friends did shots off a larger set Juggalette's tits...and best of all...designated "Titty Commander" brought all the females out for quite possibly the sleaziest most ridiculous Titty Competition ever. Cyclops and about 5 other women all bared their breasts to a small crowd of cheering retards (let's be honest--in this moment we were all being absolutely retarded) and some even got Faygo showered.
By the end of the night people were lazing about and I grabbed the mic for a freestyle sesh with some friends taking up drums and it went downhill and I stupidly decided to run jokes on the 10 people left in the basement. I got a few laughs but it was mostly a horrendous idea. I spent the last 15 minutes in the house trying to get one girl to share in some c-c-c-co-caaaaaiiiiiiine to no avail.
We left, all a little shocked at what a great time we had at the Juggalo Party.
--Gumby
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